Monday, December 17, 2007

My (the medical model's) Pregnancy: Part 1

My pregnancy started out as a surprise. I had been so sick... I had been on birth control... Those thoughts kept running through my head. I left the doctor's office that day with another prescription for Zithromycin and prenatal vitamins, and orders to make an appointment with the midwives. And that was it. Jason (my fiance) seemed very happy, considering... but I walked out of the doctor's office that day completely numb.
Was I happy? I asked myself. Well, of course you are, you are going to have a baby! And a baby is alot right now, but nonetheless a happy occasion... God, when was the last time I drank? Was it in the last month? Oh poor baby... and I've been smoking too.. I'm glad I found out so soon, but I wonder if baby is going to be ok? I have to air out the house when I get home, and tell Jason and our roomate that smoking is not allowed in our home any longer.. or in the car.. or anywhere near me, for that matter. What else do I need to be doing for myself? No more pop, candy, sugar crap, I need to exercise... I have to get better for this baby. I can't be sick or unhealthy... should I really be taking this medicine again? And what about this possible cancer??

That very day, I made the decision that I was going to do my very best to make sure my baby was healthy... and that meant getting myself healthy first and foremost.

A week and a half later, while at work, I started spotting.

At that moment, the whole world stopped. I didn't even breathe when I saw the bright red bits of blood on the toilet paper. I had been feeling a stretch-like-cramp low on the one side of my pelvis... was this a miscarraige?
And I think at that moment, the weight of being a mother hit me like a ton of bricks. Uncontrollably sobbing, I ran from the bathroom.. all the way across the grocery store, and into the small gas station that was connected to it. I (surprisingly calmly) told my (wonderful) boss what was happening.... and then my mind went blank.

"Now what? What do I do?" I asked her.
"Call your mom," she said.

And so I did, even before Jason. (Afterwards, I felt pretty crappy about not calling Jason first, but realized I wasn't really in the right state of mind.. and besides, Jason doesn't know much about miscarraiges!)

After the midwife (we'll call her J...) checked me and said I wasn't dialated, she sent me to a town 35 miles away to have an ultrasound done to check for baby's heartbeat. The whole ride over, I just layed in the backseat or stared at the window.... and tried to just *feel*. I didn't want to block it out, I wanted to remember it all. The baby deserved to be remembered. Then, a strange sense of peace came over me while I lay there, just feeling. I knew my baby was ok, and that I would have this baby in my arms someday.

Then, we got to the hospital, and I silently reprimanded myself as we walked through the doors. "Don't get your hopes up.. miscarraiges happen all the time, and the only way you'll know is by the ultrasound."